PREPARING FOR THE END

                        A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an
                        examination, sighed and said, “I’ve some bad news,
                        you have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in
                        order.”
                        The woman was shocked, but managed to compose
                        herself and walk into the waiting room, where her
                        daughter had been waiting.
                        “Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are
                        good, and we celebrate when things don’t go well.
                        In this case, things aren’t well; I have cancer.
                        Let’s head to the club and have a martini.”

                        After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a
                        little less somber. There were some laughs and more
                        martinis.

                        They were eventually approached by some of the
                        woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what
                        the two were celebrating.
                        The woman told her friends they were drinking to
                        her impending end, “I have been diagnosed with
                        AIDS.”
                        The friends gave the woman their condolences, and
                        they had a couple of more martinis.

                        After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned
                        over and whispered, “Momma, I thought you said you
                        were dying of cancer, and you just told your
                        friends you were dying of AIDS.”

                        The woman said, “I don’t want any of those bitches
                        sleeping with your father after I’m gone.”

A blonde woman was speeding down a road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. “What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it”.

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is” she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror then handed it back saying “Okay, you can go. I didn’t realise you were a cop”.

Blonde walks into a bank in Johannesburg and asks for the loans dept.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to

borrow R10,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of

security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls

Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the

papers and everything checked out.



The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.The bank

manager and its staff all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a

R500,000 Rolls as collateral against a R10,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank’s

underground garage and parks it there.



Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the R10,000 and the

interest, which comes to R141.66. The bank manager says, ‘Miss, we are

very happy to have > had your business, and this transaction has worked

out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we

checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles

us is, why would you bother to borrow R10,000?’



The blond replies … ‘Where else in Johannesburg can I park my car for

two weeks for only R141.66 and expect it to be there when I return?’

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as

part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

“Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.” The next

day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him

the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, “Well, doc, it’s

like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried

with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then

with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the

teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up

Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands,

then an arm pit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees,

but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?”

The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

Defence Attorney:

Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:

I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:

Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:

There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:

Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:

No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:

What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:

He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:

No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady:

It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:

What happened next?

Little Old Lady:

He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:

No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady:

His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:

What happened next?

Little Old Lady:

Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”

Defense Attorney:

Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:

Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard.